... your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
... your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill.
... your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre.
... your watch has more buttons than your telephone and more computing power than a 300 Mhz Pentium.
... you consider yourself well dressed if your socks match.
... you wear a moustache or beard for "efficiency."
... you have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
... you know the second law of thermodynamics but not your shirt size.
... someone tells you its a nice day, and you respond with "it's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin."
... you know the ABCs of Infrared from A to B.
... you make 4 sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
... politically correct people call you "organizationally challenged."
Friday, March 23, 2012
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Five)
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
... your four basic food groups are 1) Caffeine 2) Fat 3) Sugar and 4) Chocolate.
... your checkbook always balances.
... your dress clothes come from Sears.
... your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
... your favorite actor is R2D2.
... your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor."
... your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
... your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.
... your favorite TV show is "New Yankee Workshop."
... your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
... your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.
... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
... your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
... your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.
... your IQ is higher than your weight.
... your laptop cost more than your car.
... you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
... your four basic food groups are 1) Caffeine 2) Fat 3) Sugar and 4) Chocolate.
... your checkbook always balances.
... your dress clothes come from Sears.
... your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
... your favorite actor is R2D2.
... your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor."
... your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
... your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium.
... your favorite TV show is "New Yankee Workshop."
... your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.
... your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.
... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
... your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
... your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges.
... your IQ is higher than your weight.
... your laptop cost more than your car.
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Four)
... you rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor.
... you remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo."
... you rooted for HAL.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spend more time on your home computer than in your car.
... you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
... you talk about trellis code modulation at parties.
... you think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
... you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends" but forget to send your father a birthday card.
... you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
... you think that when people around you yawn it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
... you think your computer looks better without the cover.
... you thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.
... you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
... you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
... you walk around with your hands in your front pockets 99% of the time.
... you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa.)
... you remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo."
... you rooted for HAL.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spend more time on your home computer than in your car.
... you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
... you talk about trellis code modulation at parties.
... you think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
... you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends" but forget to send your father a birthday card.
... you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.
... you think that when people around you yawn it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
... you think your computer looks better without the cover.
... you thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid.
... you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
... you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
... you walk around with your hands in your front pockets 99% of the time.
... you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa.)
Sunday, March 18, 2012
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Three)
... you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
... you have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Picard.
... you have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what PRN stands for.
... you have ever purchased an appliance "as-is".
... you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
... you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
... you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
... you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you have never backed up your hard drive.
... you have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you have been married.
... you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
... you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
... you know how to take the cover off your computer and what size screwdriver to use.
... you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.
... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
... you know what "http://" stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
... you own official "Star Trek" anything.
... you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
... you have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Picard.
... you have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what PRN stands for.
... you have ever purchased an appliance "as-is".
... you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
... you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
... you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
... you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you have never backed up your hard drive.
... you have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you have been married.
... you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
... you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
... you know how to take the cover off your computer and what size screwdriver to use.
... you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights.
... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
... you know what "http://" stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
... you own official "Star Trek" anything.
... you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part Two)
... you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
... you are still drinking Mr. Pibb.
... you are at a wine tasting and you find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.
... you bought your wife a new CD Rom for her birthday.
... you can name at least 6 Star Trek episodes.
... you can quote the scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.
... you can't fit any more colored pens in your pocket.
... you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
... you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you disdain people who use low baud rates.
... you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Galactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.
... you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.
... you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.
... you ever forgot to get a haircut... for 6 months.
... you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.
... you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
... you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
... you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
... you are still drinking Mr. Pibb.
... you are at a wine tasting and you find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay.
... you bought your wife a new CD Rom for her birthday.
... you can name at least 6 Star Trek episodes.
... you can quote the scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.
... you can't fit any more colored pens in your pocket.
... you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
... you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you disdain people who use low baud rates.
... you do Darth Vader or Battlestar Galactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan.
... you drive a Gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker.
... you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.
... you ever forgot to get a haircut... for 6 months.
... you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.
... you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
... you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
... you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
You Might be an Engineer If... (Part One)
... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
... you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it with your home banking software.
... a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
... all your sentences begin with "what if."
... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you'll be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
... buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... Dilbert is your hero.
... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.
... on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
... people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you like a tractor beam to fix it.
... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
... when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking with customers, you butt in to correct him, and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands silently by, nodding his head.
... you are always late to meetings.
... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
... you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
... you order pizza over the Internet and pay for it with your home banking software.
... a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
... all your sentences begin with "what if."
... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you'll be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
... buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... Dilbert is your hero.
... everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college, you thought "Spring Break" was a metal fatigue failure.
... on vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel.
... people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you like a tractor beam to fix it.
... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
... when you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on the salesperson talking with customers, you butt in to correct him, and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands silently by, nodding his head.
... you are always late to meetings.
... you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud.
... you are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
Prison vs. Work (for EVERYONE)
In prison, you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison, you get time off for good behaviour. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work, you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work, you're just ball-and-chained.
In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you can't even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all expenses to go to work and then deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, you have managers.
In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison, you get time off for good behaviour. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work, you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work, you're just ball-and-chained.
In prison, you get your own toilet. At work, you have to share.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you can't even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all expenses to go to work and then deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, you have managers.
Mohammed's first day at school
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" he replied.
"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" he replied.
"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
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